


An Icha Icha Save

by panda_shi



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bad Matchmaking, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fanboying, Gen, Hokage Hatake Kakashi, Icha Icha Series, M/M, Political Alliances, Stupidity, Trolling, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:15:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23326108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panda_shi/pseuds/panda_shi
Summary: Where Kakashi uses his prowess and genius to save one teacher from being wedded off to the daimyo's court official. Who says he can't do politics?
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Maito Gai | Might Guy, Umino Iruka/Yamato | Tenzou
Comments: 27
Kudos: 272





	An Icha Icha Save

**Author's Note:**

> Self-beta'd.
> 
> I dunno why I wrote this.

One of the perks of being the Hokage, Kakashi supposes, is that every now and then, a clusterfuck of a shitshow would end up before him in which one time out of fifty, it would end up, hilariously, entertaining. 

Like the scene that is unfolding before him right now.

One of the daimyo’s court officials, a middle aged, respectable man of the Mori clan - Mori Hideyoshi - is currently visiting Konoha and is easily one of Kakashi’s favorite people from the daimyo’s court. Being a clan member of one the most influential clans of Fire, Hideyoshi understands the importance of investing in the future. He is a straightforward, no nonsense kind of man, who finds it a waste of time, travel and money if their meetings involved niceties, ceremony and dancing around each other. Kakashi doesn’t handle Hideyoshi, he actually converses with him -- it’s refreshing. He is a man of reason and not emotion, a man who views his visits as a chance to know where his family’s financial backing is going, and to be reassured that their forces are armed to the teeth with the best weaponry there is. 

It’s not exactly a secret - not to the founding fathers or Kakashi’s predecessors; if the Mori clan supports Konoha, come hell or high water, they will have the means to remain secure.

Like, forever.

So best to keep them happy. For the good of the village and all. 

There is also the fact that the Mori clan has always married off their prominent clan members to the shinobi of Konoha. It sure does pay to have arranged marriages - all of them successful and relatively happy, apparently. 

Which is why, when Hideyoshi brings up the topic of marriage, not for a clan member, or a cousin, or a sibling, but for himself, Kakashi is taken by surprise when Hideyoshi does so in his usual flourish of unabashed, let’s-not-waste-time-or-dance-in-circles manner. Right in the middle of their just concluded meeting, with Shikamaru, Iruka and Kakashi council advisors - Gai, Shizune and Tsunade - along with Naruto who has begun to sit in on these kind of meetings as training for his future ascension as Nanadaime.

“Umino Iruka, to my understanding, you remain unattached, do you not?” Hideyoshi asks, without much aplomb, as he adjusts the sleeves of his kimono, smoothing the fabric so that the crest of the Mori clan remains visible, not tucked within the fabric folds.

“Uhmm…” comes Iruka’s incredibly intelligent response. Kakashi can tell he’s been caught off guard by the question.

Then again, so was he and he’s the damn Hokage. 

“Hey, Hideyoshi-san, isn’t that a little too personal and kind of none of your business?” Naruto asks, which earns him a sharp, pointed cough from Shikamaru, correcting the honorific to -sama.

“It kind of is, Naruto-san,” Hideyoshi answers, calm, undisturbed by the impudent manner the question has been thrown at his face. Then again, in that regard, Hideyoshi is kind of cool, hip and modern (Gai’s words). “I have admired you for a while, Umino Iruka-sensei, from before you’ve reached your current position as the Academy’s principal. I have watched you grow under Sandaime’s tutelage and have always respected your ideas, opinions and beliefs that the Academy remains one of the strong foundations within Konoha. If my education and knowledge serves me right, you embody the belief of that of the late Nidaime. To which is something I hold in the highest respect. The turnover of your students’ success rates is admirable.”

Kakashi wishes his respect for Hideyoshi would just drop already. 

“What’s that got to do with anything?” Naruto asks, frowning, turning to look at Iruka who has gone eerily quiet, his face burning a deep read, his eyes downcast to the dossier in front of him.

“It means that I have found someone that I would like to have as my spouse,” Hideyoshi announces and looks up, hands folded on the table, elegant, poised, proper, as he regards Iruka with an unreadable expression. 

And there it is.

The pin drop silence that suddenly plagues the entire room. Kakashi turns to look at Iruka who honestly looks like he’s considering it, if only because Iruka is very aware of what the Mori clan’s influence and support means to Konoha. Kakashi knows Iruka’s loyalty, knows he’d do anything if it means protecting and serving Konoha to the best of his ability. There is no one more loyal than Iruka, no one more dedicated than Iruka. Kakashi has had the honor and privilege working with him; he can finally understand why the Sandaime held Iruka in such a high position despite his rank. Hideyoshi’s praise of Iruka being almost a little like the Nidaime in his beliefs isn’t too far off the grid in accuracy -- one just had to ignore the Nidaime’s ruthlessness.

The darkening expression on Naruto’s face however, fuels a response right out of Kakashi’s mouth, before he can stop it.

“He… can’t,” Kakashi says, winging it like he’s never winged it before. 

“He can’t.” Hideyshi quirks an eyebrow, looking from Kakashi to Iruka.

“I can’t.” Iruka echoes, visibly swallowing as he turns to look at Kakashi, his jaw tight even when his hands remain lax on the table. Kakashi can see how Iruka is looking at him with his most veiled, most meeting-polite expression that reads: _what the flying fuck are you doing?_

“I can’t because you think we cannot be a good match -- to which I will challenge your reasons. Or because you are attached?” Hideyoshi asks.

“He’s attached,” Kakashi answers, managing to keep a straight face even when Iruka, bless him, is no longer able to. Iruka’s eyebrows disappears under his forehead protector, while Hideyoshi, shifts his posture, crossing his arms across his chest.

Not good.

That is not a good sign. 

“Who?” Hideyoshi asks, a hint of arrogance lacing his tone. With reason. There aren't many in Fire that can match the prestige of the Mori clan, after all. And Hideyoshi knows it.

Everyone fucking knows it. 

Kakashi goes through every clan name that remains strong in Konoha like his ass on fire, all while reading the look of alarm on Gai and Tsunade’s face. Gai who tilts his head in a pointed gesture, already knowing what’s going through Kakashi’s mind because Gai knows him well, knows his thoughts, knows he’s doing this not only to stop an argument, but because Gai knows that Kakashi isn’t the kind to just use his people as political pawns. Gai understands because the value of finding someone you love, the freedom of choosing someone for yourself is something Kakashi didn’t think he’d have the privilege of experiencing; with the time of peace they currently have, there is no reason to deny others of that, either. Abolishing the old practices had been one of the things Kakashi had at the top of his agenda as the Rokudaime, that Konoha’s people will value each other as comrades, because Konoha’s people aren’t trash, they leave no man behind. They do not sell or trade lives like _this_ when they already do in the shadows. There is no reason to drag that filth into the sun.

Not if Kakashi can help it.

The pointed look Gai is giving Kakashi easily reads as, _say it’s you_.

Which Kakashi doesn’t want to because not only would it be a lie that he would have play up all the damn time, it isn’t fair to Gai. A part of him wouldn’t mind playing the role, frankly. They can always say it didn’t work out later. But somehow - even though Kakashi can see that Gai clearly wouldn’t mind, is encouraging, even - the thought just doesn’t sit right. It leaves Kakashi’s mouth sour, with a hint of bitterness.

Besides, the Hatake clan is all but dead, it’s name nowhere near the grandeur that is Mori.

There is only one name a Mori wouldn’t dare challenge. Or so Kakashi hopes.

And that’s where it hits Kakashi right between the eyes.

Good heavens is he a fucking genius.

“Senju,” Kakashi announces. “He is attached to one of the remaining Senju.”

“ _Granny Tsunade?”_ Naruto crows, loud, shocked, looking like a fish out of water. “ _You like the old lady?”_

“Hokage-sama!” Iruka stands, no longer able to sit through the farce any longer. 

Tsunade herself looks like she’s ready to put a fist right through Kakashi’s face, the veins on their temples throbbing, her fists white knuckled, her smile turned up to a level that makes Shikamaru sort of push away from the table, wanting to be away from the line of fire. Or explosions.

Or, well, everything, really.

Which Kakashi kind of placates (barely) as he holds up both his hands. “You guys, you guys. Really, you’re so quick to judge! Of course, there’s only one person I can be referring to.” Kakashi smiles, as his armpits begin to sweat profusely. “Oh Tenzou~ it’s time you introduce yourself to Hideyoshi-sama~”

The room falls into dead silence.

And from within the shadows, Tenzou appears, the porcelain mask gone, his expression politely neutral as he moves to stand beside Iruka who is looking at him like he embodies a deadly plague of sorts. 

Kakashi eyes Tsunade who ducks her head quickly to suppress a grin before looking up again -- smug as hell. Ah. She got it. Thank goodness. 

The only thing left is to get Tenzou on the same page. Play it up to the max. Hold nothing back. Hopefully put his back into the Rokudaime’s claim because Tenzou too, knows the importance of keeping the Mori clan happy. 

“Hideyoshi-sama,” Tenzou says, polite, bowing deeply, all the way to the waist before he straightens and very pointedly, puts a gloved, clawed hand on Iruka’s shoulder. “Umino Iruka is attached to me.” 

Kakashi nods. He cannot make his intent more obvious with the way he is nodding. Fuck this up, kouhai, and I’ll make your life hell. “He is.”

“... I am…” Iruka rides along before he straightens and turns to look at Hideyoshi, repeating the words once more, with more steel in his spine. “I am.”

“That may be so, but are you married?” Hideyoshi challenges, something sharp in his eyes. “In which case, if you are not, then even you, Iruka-sensei, would recognize the folly in your choice to remain in this union.”

“ _Excuse me_?” Iruka asks, something terrible crossing his features as Kakashi stands very slowly because oh boy. Oh boy, he knows that expression. Hell, Naruto and Shikamuru remembers it because their jaw drops open wider.

“The Senju is indeed a formidable name, a worthy clan to have someone like you. However, the Senju clan is only strong because of its reputation in the past, as a founding clan of Konoha and the alliances that followed henceforth. Unfortunately, I am not one of those who believe that respect is synonymous with prestige associated with the past. Which is why, Unimo Iruka, I believe you and Konoha will benefit greatly, in every way, if you were to be by my side.” 

It doesn’t come out haughty. Or arrogant. Which is a problem because it’s so much easier to hate a guy who is an asshole. Smacking him in the face with a firm no, consequences be damned, would be more rewarding. Easier if they are unreasonable!

It’s hard to do that with Hideyoshi because he isn’t wrong per se, but mostly because he isn't a jerk. He’s reasonable, intelligent and honestly, not that bad looking either. Handsome, all sharp and dark features, the brightest green eyes that are a trait of the Mori clan, as vibrant as the lush treetops of Konoha’s forests. He is put together, with sarcastic humor that Kakashi has learned to appreciate over the past two years as Hokage.

But then Hideyoshi just had to go say the thing that was a deal breaker. Even though Kakashi knows, it’s probably ego that fueled it.

“Sever your tie with Senju at once,” Hideyoshi says, perfectly serious -- the jerk.

“You cannot be --”

Iruka’s snap is severed when Tenzou pulls him away from the table, firmly planting himself between Iruka and Hideyoshi, even though there’s an entire table between them.

“Your argument isn’t wrong. It is true that the Senju's name is a relic.” Tenzou stands straight, his hand poised behind his back in a faux-relaxed stance. “But Umino Iruka is _my_ North, my south, my east and west, the sun of my morning and the night of my day. In him, my life becomes whole, my days bright. He is the only thing I’ll see forever. In this existence where a life of shinobi can be short, where coming home may not happen each time we step out of the village, Umino Iruka is my forever. Every long, lost road has led me to him. Countless challenges, individuals, they were the northern stars in this journey, guiding me into Iruka’s arms — this much I know is true. I have not had an easy life, I am not like you in power, fame, social standing, my name but a relic of old, but bless the deities and that broken road that has led me straight to Iruka.” 

Kakash’s jaw drops.

As does Gai. Who quickly covers it with a hand. 

Even Iruka goes a very interesting shade of red. Bordering on purple, even.

Kakashi honestly wonders if Iruka is about to faint. 

And with good reason.

It takes all of Kakashi’s strength to not bring his hands to some sort of enthusiastic ovation, as the words that spills out of Tenzou’s mouth is nothing more than a verbatim recital of Arashi’s confession in the face of Junko’s ex-love - Icha Icha Paradise, volume eight, chapter twenty-three, page ninety-eight, paragraph four. 

Could it be that Iruka recognises the dialogue?!

Truly, this day has reached a level of entertainment that Kakashi did not think he will live to ever see.

This has to be his most exciting day, to-date, in office!

“So with all due respect, Mori Hideyoshi-sama, but I can’t — no. I _will not_ stand idle and let you have him. That is the honourable promise I gave Iruka when I pledged myself to him, his heart, his soul.”

Kakashi didn’t know Tenzou would be such a fantastic actor.

Brilliant!

Fruit basket and giant bouquet worthy! This is truly the performance of the ages.

The century!

The existence of the earth!

Never has Kakashi been moved by an Icha Icha rendition than this moment.

Jiraiya would be so proud!

Kakashi glares at Iruka, as if trying to motion him in a silent, wordless communication of his eyes to get on with the damn program. 

Iruka, however, is a shitty actor! What rubbish!

No fruit basket for him. 

“I am not divorcing him,” Iruka says, placing a hand on Tenzou’s arm. “I am sorry. I hope you understand. That you won’t take this refusal and hold it against Konoha, Hideyoshi-sama.”

What kind — oh come on!

Kakashi knows Iruka can do better than that!

The silence that falls in the room gets punctuated by a soft sigh and Naruto snorting in a shocked breath as if he only just remembered that he is still in this plane of existence, having witnessed his previous commanding officer execute the most amazing, most powerful, most excellent confession of all times. To his paternal figure.

Who Kakashi knows Naruto thinks deserves the best of the best and that no one standing in the room is worthy of Umino Iruka. 

The snort is followed by a mild sharp inhale, like a deflating balloon when Tsuande’s heel comes down in warning. Right over Naruto’s foot. Which effectively silences any and _all_ protests, comments and questions Naruto might have.

“Like I said,” Kakashi says, voice a little raised, to mask the sound Naruto has made. “He’s attached.”

Gai’s tears completes the effect.

Except Kakashi knows they aren’t tears of emotional joy but rather of emotional mirth. Kakashi knows because he recognises the flow speed! Gai is trying to reign in laughter.

Kakashi gives him a look across the table. Dark, thankful and so full of promise.

It earns him a flush. Ah. This meeting needs to end already~

“I see,” Hideyoshi finally says. “I cannot say that I am not disappointed. But I am not going to deny a man his commitment and promise even if I think he is still unworthy, if not a little ridiculous. Perhaps shameless, too.”

“While I can understand your disappointment, Hideyoshi-sama, with all due respect, please do not insult my lover further,” Iruka says, firm, moving to stand by Tenzou’s side, shoulder to shoulder, chin held high.

Now that. That is a lot better. More Junko-like. Kakashi's toes curl just the tiniest bit in his boots. 

Hideyoshi hums, eyeing Iruka once more, visibly swallowing as a bit of red dusts over his cheekbones. “You really are a vision to behold, Umino Iruka. I am disappointed that I cannot have you.”

Iruka flushes not red but an indigo.

“I will depart earlier than scheduled. Until our next meeting, council members, Iruka-san, Rokudaime,” Hideyoshi says, tucking his hands into his kimono sleeves, giving Tenzou last judgy look before he turns his head away sharply and makes a swift exit.

Kimono sleeve swish and all.

It is officially a successful Icha Icha save!

Shikamaru, Tsuande, and Shizune follow him out, shutting Kakashi’s door with an audible click, getting themselves out of the line fire, just as wards pulses once, blanketing the office in protective silence.

Kakashi ducks when Iruka’s pen comes flying in his direction. 

Gai _laughs_ , head thrown back, throat exposed and all.

Naruto’s plea and betrayed complaint goes ignored. “Iruka-sensei! When did you get together with this weirdo! How can you not tell me! And why was I not invited to the wedding --”

“There was no wedding!” Iruka snaps, flushed all the way down to his collar as he takes a step away from Tenzou who looks like he wants to be part of the floor.

“Tenzou,” Kakashi _sighs_ (a little dreamily), as he moves towards Tenzou’s glaring face, undisturbed by it and places a hand on a shoulder blade. “Jiraiya would be _so proud._ I am honored to call you my kouhai. Truly.”

“Shut up, senpai,” Tenzou grits his teeth, bringing a hand to his face to hide the fact that it’s burning about as red as Iruka. 

Kakashi doesn’t care.

This is a fanboy’s dream.

Gai’s laugh reaches a bit of a wheezing edge to it. “This truly, is a display of youthful proportions. I am speechless! Tenzou, you sounded so sincere!”

“When you said, Umino Iruka is _my_ North, my south, my east and west, the sun of my morning and the night of my day, I knew -- I _knew_ \-- I had chosen wisely. My plan worked. Iruka, you won’t have to move in with the Mori-clan after all. You can thank me with lunch bentos for the next one year. You’re welcome~”

“Icha Icha Paradise -- on Mori Hideyoshi!” Iruka drops himself heavily on a chair, sagging, the fight leaving him as he continues to flush. 

“Well, it worked. And thank you, for putting me in that position, senpai,” Tenzou grumbles, patting Naruto on the shoulder. “You can breathe.”

“So it’s fake?” Naruto asks, mouth comically wide in open dismay.

“Of course it’s fake! Are you an idiot?” Iruka grouches.

“Yes,” Tenzou clears his throat, willing the flush to go away already. And failing as he and Iruka exchange glances, something crossing Tenzou’s face that Kakashi doesn’t think he’s ever seen before. Is that disappointment? Or defeat? Or is it surrender? The last two words doesn’t mesh well with someone like Tenzou. It’s so weird! “Don’t worry. Your Iruka-sensei is safe from this weirdo.”

Kakashi looks at them both, waving a hand when Tenzou asks -- all protocol, and so professional, sheesh -- to be dismissed. 

That look between them. The way they turned their gazes away. That put-upon expression that now sits on Iruka’s face.

Could it be?

Icha Icha Tactics! Volume one! Amai and Haru are forced to hide their true feelings from each other for tactical gain to destabilize an enemy clan -- when they are double agents in this adventurous story of love, power-play and political thriller. 

Kakashi loudly but mentally _gasps_.

Now this, is worth being a Hokage for. 

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know? I mean honestly, I dunno??!???!!
> 
> I mean. Trying to flex my KakaGai-voice?????


End file.
